I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
