I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
