Cold hands, warm shart.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
