I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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