Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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