Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
