hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
