Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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