you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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