I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
