Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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