Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
