I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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