I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
