I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
