i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
