Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
