It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
