That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
