Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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