atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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