so explain again why im purple
no
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
