Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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