Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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