Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
