i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
