Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
