All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
