apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
