Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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