ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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