I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
