Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am one with the molecules
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
