Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
