I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
