he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
