Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
