why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
whose parrot is this?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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