You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
