I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
