I just pynch a tree in the face
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
