You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
