This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
