Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
