I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
