During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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