I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
