At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
