you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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