Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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