I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
